THE FACTS & FALLACIES ABOUT FRIENDSHIP BY PROF B. CHIMA ONUOHA

THE FACTS & FALLACIES ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

BY  PROF B. CHIMA ONUOHA

(Presented  to NOLU by Ogbonna  Matthew)

The Ancient Greece was gifted to have hundreds and thousands of philosophers. After the Almighty God who is omnipotent, omniscience and therefore highly referred, the next group that have enormous respect and honour are the Greek philosophers. This is because of their great wisdom, selflessness, great writings and teachings. Greek philosophers have written virtually in all aspects of human life. Greece and her philosophers have therefore contributed immensely to civilization, humanity and society. Some of these great philosophers include: Epicurus, Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Epictetus, Euphrates, Nicomachus, Philodemus, Protagoras, Pythagoras, Xenophilus, Zenobius, etc.
The initial title of this article is “ARE THEY REALLY YOUR TRUE FRIENDS”? Along the line, because many other related issues came up, I then settled for the above topic.
One of the topics the Greek philosophers have discussed and written on is friendship. I will take few of their concepts regarding friendship and now delve into the topic based on my observations, experiences and of course other people’s experiences. In all, the Nigerian background will be our focus. In philosophical discussions of friendship, it is common to follow Aristotle (Nicomachean Ethics, Book VIII) in distinguishing three kinds of friendship: friendships of pleasure, utility and of virtue. It is important that people know these classifications and their dimensions. It will enable them to properly place many persons, they rightly or wrongly call friends.
Friendship based on pleasure includes joining social clubs for conviviality; a group that meets regularly to drink together; neighbourhood exercise groups; partying/sexual exploit group; fashion freaks; dancing group and ashoebi group.  
Friendship based on utility associates for mutual benefits. Examples include thrift groups; and the relationship between a car owner and a mechanic. Again, four persons may agree among themselves to rotate the position of Chief Executive in an organization. This calls for three mobilizing and supporting one person when it is his or her turn to grab the position until it goes round. There are mutual benefits derivable from business partnerships or joint venture investments. 
Friendship based on virtue includes friends that share common values, principles, philosophies, etc. This allows them to love each other, encourage each other, support and celebrate each other. In fact, this is a selfless relationship or true friendship. According to Adebayo Bodunrin, “true friends are not phony. They are sincere, authentic, loyal, honest, kind, caring, respectful, sympathetic, trustworthy, truthful, dependable, and a source of love and support”.

Philosophers believe that pleasure and utility friendships are the most deficient modes of friendship. By contrast, virtue friendships, because they are motivated by the excellences of their friend’s character, are genuine, non-deficient friendships. It is important to note that virtue friendship is very scarce. Majority of friendships are in the categories of pleasure and utility.
Other ancient Greek philosophers have distinguished three notions related to love. They are: agape, eros and philia. Agape love has its origin from Christian tradition like the type of love God has for all of us. Eros is the kind of passionate desire for an object like sexual desire. Philia is a type of affectionate relationship or friendly feelings not only to one’s friend but also possibly towards family members, business partners and to his or her country. Philia to a country is patriotism. However, our main interest in this article is in the area of friendship based on virtue or true friendship.
What are the facts and fallacies of friendship in the Nigerian context? Like I said, the facts – are that many people do not have virtue or true friends. Most of us have just one true friend; the lucky ones have two and the luckiest have three. These are the reality. Not everybody will agree with me. On the other hand, the fallacies – the majority of persons we call our friends and loyalists are not. They are our class/school mates, work/professional colleagues, church members, fellow fashion freaks, beneficiaries, club members, business/political associates, age mates, competitors/rivals benchmarking you but disguising as friends, and even enemies/spies who must come close enough to harm or undermine you. Listen to Bob Marley’s who the cap fits, to understand the character of those that hate you but pretend to love you. And for the others, wait for a challenge to occur, they will all disappear. If you have been their benefactor, have held office, and currently not useful, they will all disappear. They will do everything to avoid you and your family. A number of former political office holders are presently lonely. Some of their beneficiaries may even become detractors and betrayers or willing tools in the hands of their enemies or adversaries. This is in addition to a myriad of other types of backstabbing by supposed friends/loyalists. The heart is deceitful. The Bible even recognizes that fact. 
When the goings are good, or you are a benefactor, people will flock around you as friends and claim to love you. But immediately there is a challenge, or if one’s fortunes have gone down or bad, majority of them will abandon the person. Your phone that used to be very busy with calls will suddenly be idle. One will be lucky to get three calls in a day. Some of the reasons for this unfortunate attitude may include: maybe, they have their own challenges; to avoid the person being a burden to them; oversight; indifference or ingratitude. I know that a lot of people would have experienced this scenario one way or the other, including myself. 

Another fallacy is the assumption that colleagues are friends. In fact, most colleagues are rivals, if not, hidden or open enemies. From time to time, they look for opportunities to undermine each other. Prof G. M. Umezurike, of blessed memory, the former Vice Chancellor of Abia state university used to admonish staff that ‘you don’t need to be friends to be colleagues’. The bottom line is that the work must be done, on time and effectively too. There is no acceptable excuse or reason why the work should not be done. In other words, colleagues should set aside their prejudices and get the work done. This advice of his was a work ethic then.
One may ask, how about when a colleague is bereaved, the financial contributions by the department or faculty colleagues to assist in the burial or to assist his or her family? My observation is that people do that as a result of bandwagon effect, not from their hearts. They are faking to be nice. On close observation, you will still find out that a good number will not contribute anything, even when they can conveniently do so. I know some colleagues who don’t contribute any kobo to any event – marriage, burial, naming/chieftaincy ceremony, etc. They don’t even attend such ceremonies. Obviously, they are ‘wiser’ or ‘busier’ than every other person.
Let me illustrate with two colleagues who supposedly are friends … In a particular university, two lecturers were appointed and they resumed work the same day. Up till now, they are yet to agree who is the senior based on the time of the day they resumed or who collected his letter of appointment first. This is akin to the debate of who is the senior between twins. In Igbo culture, the one that came first is the senior. In Yoruba culture, the one that came last is the senior. When these two lecturers qualified to be Head of Department, this argument reared its ugly head. The Dean used his discretion in his nomination to the Vice Chancellor. The issue is still unresolved and may not be resolved.  
In one of the universities, a particular Head of Department, eagerly seeking reappointment (or second tenure) had a penchant for castigating the other qualified senior lecturers before the authorities. Meanwhile, she kept giving the impression of being saintly. 
In one federal university, a tyrannical Vice Chancellor has a doctrine which is “what God did not give me in height, he gave me in heart”.  This is a psychological disorder, a complex. In fact, he lived up to that doctrine. As a result of the rancor he generated in the process of the appointment of a substantive Vice Chancellor in that university, the federal government in her wisdom appointed an Ag. Vice Chancellor, for six months to douse tension. Some friends and colleagues, after congratulating him, wished him successful tenure, gave wise counsels, pledged loyalty, etc. They encouraged him to return the university to its past glory, make peace and unite all the factions. These were diversionary tactics. This is because, simultaneously, they were working secretly to secure court injunction which will prevent him from assuming duty. How do you see this type of human beings? Friends or foes? The Igbos will say that the heart is a bag, full of deceits. In all, these people must learn that positions (no matter how exalted) and power are transient. People should also learn not to play God. 
Some colleagues will see another colleague with great accomplishments, and become envious. Instead of emulating him or her, they may even resort to writing petitions, campaigns of calumny to bring the person down. The Jews with a tiny population (0.2% of world’s population, 14.6 million) in Israel and diaspora, have over one fifth (22.5%) of Nobel Laureates in the world. Again, one third (33%) of American multi-millionaires are Jewish; they are the major players in Silicon Valley and Wall Street. These global accomplishments (the list of which is outside the scope of this article) are making many other races, tribes and nations to strive to emulate them.
To keep whatever privileges or positions they were/are enjoying, my ‘close friends’ were blackmailing and fabricating stories before a gossip-listening Vice Chancellor for the past five years. Not knowing my turf, or pretending not to know, I was laughing at their naivety, or even stupidity, it is only a tree that remains in one position if threatened to be cut down. They erroneously assume that they are the only men in the system. Others are ‘banana men’, if not women. If you have one strategic enemy, particularly when it is unnecessary or needless, there may be four hidden enemies. That was exactly what played out in that organization in the last six months or one year.
It is often said that “a friend in government is a friend lost”. Once some individuals get political appointments or lucrative positions of authority anywhere, they start suffering from what I call ‘arrival complex or syndrome’. This also smacks of superiority complex. Their friends, former classmates and associates are no longer their equal. They are now underdogs. The new ‘big boys or girls’ start craving for persons of their current status. They neither pick their old friends’ calls nor return them. Keeping their company is out of the way. Visiting them becomes unthinkable. This group of persons easily forgets that their positions and visibility will always be transient and have expiring dates. Having abandoned their long-term or regular acquaintances/friends first, they in turn will be abandoned when they leave those exalted offices. This will happen sooner than later. This explains why people become lonely, sometimes, in low spirit (melancholy) when they leave ‘big offices’. Their mansions suddenly become desolate.
Another fallacy is the assumption that relations are also friends. Most relations are not friends. In fact, some relations are worse than identified enemies. It sounds to reason that true friends are far better than most (bad) relations. With this knowledge, don’t get worried or surprised if a relation undermines your interest or work with your enemies. As a community leader, I know that a good number of people’s relations are suffering from laziness, envy, greed, and entitlement mentality.    
Take what you are going to read now to the bank.
1). It must be a friend that can cause a girl to lose her boyfriend/lover.
2). Nobody can easily poison his or her enemy. It must be through a ‘close friend’. It is also a friend that can assist the enemy on how to destroy or eliminate one. 
3). It is only your friend that knows your secrets. And it is only a friend that can leak them for whatever reasons. 
4). If you are in a workplace and you are having issues with the authorities as a result of gossips or unsubstantiated allegations, don’t go far, check your ‘friends’.
5). It is your friends that will fabricate stories to gain undue advantage or benefits in churches, communities and organizations.
6). Many divorce cases are traceable to intelligence information from close friends. 
7). Betrayers were/are also friends.
8). When it appears one has serious issues with powers that be in an organization or likely going to be in trouble, his/her friends will start avoiding him/her. They don’t want any vicarious liability. 
It is important that one does not expect much from people including friends. Or you will be disappointed and distressed. Nobody owes you any favour. Never engage in blame game. Avoid entitlement mentality. Keep your secrets as much as possible. Learn to manage your challenges or difficult situations. Learn to carry cross … for most times, nobody will carry it for you. For me, I hardly get surprised by anybody’s behaviour, no matter how absurd, condescending or self-serving. Human beings are complex in nature and therefore subject to different moods and behaviours depending on motives and circumstances. Anybody who have studied or familiar with human behaviour, industrial psychology, organizational behaviour or developmental psychology should not be surprised by any kind of behaviour by human beings. Our day-to-day experiences have even taught us that. 
With my warrior family background, native intelligence (note, not academic intelligence), little knowledge about military, secret/ intelligence, and mafia operations, I sit, drink and interact with all manners of people, including those who are directly undermining my interest, or indifferent about my challenges. I am an enigma.
It is important to emphasize native intelligence with few paragraphs. It is called AKO-na-UCHE in Igbo culture, meaning wisdom, perseverance, resilience, survival instincts and avoiding troubles. You can also add hard-work. Ako-na-uche also restrains someone not to start anything, say battle or conflict where he or she is highly disadvantaged. Obviously, there is no need for pyrrhic victory.
In Igbo culture, orphans, for obvious reasons, are advised to have ako-na-uche. And most do have it. They imbibe the spirit of hard-work early enough. This is because their ‘guardians’, in most cases will over labour them with all manners of house chores and other works. They are deprived of a lot of good things. As these go on, the guardian’s children will be idle, ‘enjoying’ in the name of love. House maids also get similar treatments in most homes. That explains why some orphans and house maids do better in life than some children that had/have parents.
In view of the pervasive nature or wickedness, acquisitiveness, power struggle, rat race, self-centredness, and lack of humanness in our society, it has become pertinent that every other person (in this case, not only orphans) should have ako-na-uche. It is increasingly inevitable to have it because of what Abraham Nwankwo calls Top-tropism. Dr Nwankwo, economist, banker and former Director General of the Debt Management Office (DMO), is a regular writer on economic and developmental issues. He propagated this concept during the financial boom of this country in the mid-1980s and early 1990s. This concept explains the penchant of young bankers to move from one bank to another, sometimes two or three banks within two years. This was aimed at getting to the top as a young person. And indeed, many of them became regional managers, general managers and executive directors under 35 years. We also had some managing directors under 40 years. Majority of these workers were promoted into incompetence, due to lack of proper grounding/experience in the various positions they held. This was also a major factor that contributed to bank failures in Nigeria. As they were moving up, they took their boys, thinking that they were doing them favours. As the banks went down, all of them went down together. Trillions of public’s financial asset (cash and shares) went down the drain. Bank failures led to failed bank tribunals instituted by General Abacha. As a result, many bank executives were jailed and thousands of jobs lost. Subsequently, all these led to banking consolidation and reforms and codes of corporate governance. 
The concept of top-tropism is fast changing from its original domain to the other sectors of the economy like the university system. It is now common to see few individuals, by whatever means wanting to get to the top faster and more visible than others and encouraged by an empire building Chief Executive. Note that in doing this, they must step on toes, very shrewd and Machiavellian in whatever they do. They are ready to sacrifice anyone. So use ako-na-uche to follow and survive them. 
Remember the popular Ikwerre musician – Duncan Mighty, said that ako-na-uche is better than gold, mansion, and every other thing in one of his successful lyrics with the same title. Another wonderful track by this young man is Manuchim Soh (mu-na-chim soo – I am with my God or God is with me). If you are with God, nobody can harm you however powerful or vicious.
I am not immune, like many other persons from having rivals, enemies who parade themselves as friends. On my own part, as a Catholic, I constantly invoke, like the Jews, the protection of the four Arch angels – Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Uriel to protect me. My patron saint – Benedict is also there for me. I also take all my challenges to the Blessed Sacrament. And God has not failed me. Please note that non-Catholics, just like they send their children to Catholic schools for discipline and quality education, also take their problems and worries to the Blessed sacrament. You can try this method …, it will not fail you.   
When people are running you down in an organization, be doing your work as if nothing is happening. Be even more effective. Don’t give anyone the impression that you are under pressure or stress. That will make them happy. Never cry or kneel down before your oppressors. Don’t beg your oppressors. That will embolden them or they will start giving you condescending conditions. Be a man … have honour. No Russian, German, British or American soldier as a Prisoner of War (POW) will ever cry before his captor. No convinced terrorist will ever cry when he is arrested or facing trial with the ultimate punishment of execution.
Enemies that disguise as friends, who regularly eat and drink with you, and go back to plan evil against you, don’t know the type of curse they are attracting to themselves. In Igbo land, it is called oriko. So one should not bother when people fake as friends, but consistently do evil against you. They will take photographs when you are with them and use these pictures to blackmail you as evidence of being another rival’s enemy.
Fake or power drunk friends are pathological liars, cunning, often very deceitful, grandstand, pontificate, and ascribe to themselves qualities they hardly possess. The fact is – they can deceive people most of the times, definitely not all times. Eventually, people will find out the true character of deceitful friends. 
Before I am misunderstood … People have made giant strides in their careers or professions, made fortunes (became very wealthy) with the assistance of true friends. Some unfortunate families with misfortune have been sustained by true friends.
What point am I making? Does it mean that people should not have friends again? No! It is natural and desirable that people must have friends. From which group can one get true friends? There are no hard and fact rules for that. One can get true friends (mind you, not more than three) from any of the following groups – during one’s university years, in the course of one’s career, business partners, from church by chance, other groups one belongs to, etc. However, childhood relationships and secondary school mates are the major sources of true friendship.  
In conclusion, friendship is not an easy road. Neither does it promise easy harvests. It is more of fallacies than facts. I am still thinking aloud … 

Prof Onuoha wrote from University of Port Harcourt.
(Presented  to NOLU by Ogbonna  Matthew)